Disclaimer: I planned never to blog about my personal life on here, but writing is my therapy so I had to get this out sooner or later. It took me a week, 1/4 of a month, 10,080 minutes to fully digest how I felt about the situation only to realize I felt the same way as I did when it happened: heartbroken. You know how when you watched the last episode of the Game thinking about what would happen next season then the news came about the show getting canceled. There's no regrets and I should have done better but there is the damn it's like that though feeling but at the same time "I'm so disappointed in your actions that I can no longer care for you as a human being. I even made this ridiculous Itunes Playlist that included - Lost Ones, Lauryn Hill and Love Is A Losing Game, Amy Winehouse. I actually asked God if he could remove feelings so stuff like this wouldn't happen again (ridiculous I know? I'm pretty sure he laughed at me.)
You know how when something bad happens to you and you start to think about the things you did in the past and wonder if this was karma - that was me. I keep looking back into my past to the people I may have hurt, the hearts I may have broken, and the people I have lied to - I keep thinking I must have done something. But all I could do was laugh (of course this was way later), not only because of how ridiculous my reasoning was getting but because I'm 19 years old and I was starting to take my life too seriously - WHOA BUDDY!
As I described it to my friends, you know how you have that dog when your three and he runs away and you always tell the story but you can never remember its name? - that's what this is. (Ok,ok...I'm exaggerating) But this is definitely a lesson and I am really trying not to be that girl that becomes bitter towards men but in a way this proves to me that ALL men are the same (maybe men was the wrong word? kidding...) But deep down (I mean like 20 feet) inside I still plan to give guys the benefit of the doubt, I "really" don't think their all the same - I'm actually a romantic sap and my favorite movie is Love Jones.
"When you get into a relationship you have to keep two things in mind - this can last forever or this is going to end and if you keep those two things in mind then it might hurt when the ending part happens but you already prepared yourself" - my brother (a.k.a #shop)
The lesson I learned? I don't know if I actually learned a lesson about being in a relationship but rather I wasn't quite ready (did I mention I was 19?) I'm definitely not ready to put in the time, the commitment, and whatever else you put in there to make it work....I'm too focused on myself right now and hey! that's not a bad thing right? I wanna make some more mistakes...(interpret it how you please). I have a hard time showing my feelings about the whole situation though cause sometimes I have these random moments where I get really pissed off and sometimes I randomly wanna cry but...then I'm a keep my emotions inside don't let em' see you sweat type of person, so this never actually happens. But I have also learned that it's ok to have feelings for someone, it's ok to cry, it's ok to admit your hurt - that's the biggest lesson I learned of them all.
I also learned I have some pretty awesome friends (this is an understatement) but I'm really happy with my life and the people in it, I know they will always be there for me - whoever I hate they hate, whoever I love they love and they always tell me what I need to hear not what I want to hear. For that, I am blessed. :)
It's funny how the same things can apply to your life no matter what the time span or how old you are....and now I'm reading Eat.Pray.Love (Elizabeth Gilbert) once again - I read this everytime I'm going through something.
This quote from the book continues to apply to every relationship I attempt to get into:
"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not to only see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than the man himself, and then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism." - eat.pray.love.
But I digress with all of this sappy, heartbroken chatter - CANCUN 2010 BABY!!!!!!
Signed fabulously in PINK,
Tahirah
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